Pseudo - relationships

The "he is your BF, but isnt" stage. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. There could be a verbal agreement, or none. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possibly not. You just let your gestures do the talking. No formal courtship occurred. And you arent couplets. But with your action and words, it seems like you guys are couple, but not quite.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, you dont want to commit with each other at the moment.

It can also happen before a relationship, like testing the waters. Possible that you dont want to have a serious relationship so that's why you are trying things. Could be it's because you guys cant be together --usually the guy -- is involved with another. That's why while you guys are seeing each other, there wont be any relationship at all - so there wont be any guilt feelings, because it's not "YOU" guys.

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Especially when you are looking for a "playmate". But dont expect that it could lead into something serious because there's no assurance that there is.

So why do people settle for this kind of set up, when there's no assurance?

People have different reasons. Could be for fun. Could be for the reason like "better than nothing". Meaning, while the "real thing" hasnt come along, they will just settle for that.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "overwhelming" feeling.

I admit at one point I was in that phase. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization was, "better than nothing".

For me it's more for the "overwhelming" feeling. Someone who will ask me "how was my day?". Some to cuddle and to be sweet with during out of town trips. It's when your mobile "beeps", I will be smiling because I know it's him. While there's no "real" thing yet. This will be okay.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, it's always the woman who is on the losing side.

First, you cannot ask a person to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. You arent his gf anyway.

Second, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Maybe you are assuming that he loves you too. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. It might be shameful on your part. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.
Third, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Another downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, you dont know where you stand in a pseudo-relationship. No attachment. Because in a pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." It's just "you and me," and not "us."

I wish that it will just be pseudo-pain that you will feel. But of course not. It's real pain. And usually, even if a pseudo-relationship ended, you cannot avoid to hope that one day, it will be you and that person. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else. It's hard. You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process. You can actualy try to avoid the pain. And not think of the future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, you have to choose. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

The bottom line is, do what makes you happy. Just prepare yourself with the consequences. Because this kind of relationship isnt the fairytale type. And it usually ends there..... almost, but not quite.