Drama is over...

Hello world!

Do I sound like a schizo or wot? For awhile I was having my drama, and now I quite feel alright. Gawd, I just realized no matter how much I whine... nothing will change. It's nice to sulk though for a bit... letting the pain linger for a moment -- yeh, sounds masochist.. oh well... hahaha!

Plus I guess, when it's over, it's over!
I gotta give a chance to others! (cheeky)
Anyway, Im looking forward to meeting up with my witches this week... gotta party!dun make me drunk though... we got a guest, he might take a bite...hahaha!

Shucks nababaliw na naman ako...Im not myself na naman..can somebody call a shrink?!

Anyway, hope everybody's doing okay.
Enjoy and have a safe weekend!

Happy Halloween!

'til next time...

Im annoyed, sad or more of like on emotional turmoil.

Losing a friend is like losing a gf, actually worst than that. It feels sh*tty. I dunno if I will still hang on to the friendship afterall what happened. Counting the years and what we have been through - I've been very much affected by the changes. And I hate the feeling, because I know I have done nothing wrong. I just hate the fact that I'm being ignored - since I thought we already made up. I said I was sorry and reached out to you and it's still the same thing.

Last nite, I saw you there. Wow, how ironic you greeted everyone, and actually ignored me. I can still feel the coldness and distant you. I guess Im sort of a "posessive" friend. But you know me. I would like to think I have grown up and got over that feeling. People need space in order to grow and I have given you that.

I dont hold grudges. I guess you know, you cant please all. Though we havent been really on speaking terms the past few months, I will still miss you. I will miss how we started, I will miss "US". But I guess I would rather go now, than turn this feeling into something else. I hate how it is affecting me, and I feel uneasy all this time and wasnt able to sleep last nite as the conversation keeps on rolling in my head. No matter how much you say there's nothing wrong, I know there is and we will never bring back what we had before. I know you've got better and good friends, company who will sure keep you, who will understand and "dig" you more. I know they will take care of you. I've been a witness to that. And me? I dont think I mean anything to some of them. Im just me, afterall. I guess I wont be one of them anymore. It will hurt me, but I will be okay. Ohhh you know me, I will be alright. Just give me time.

Too bad that we will still bump into each other, in some circumstances we cant avoid. But as much as I can, I will try to avoid events and gatherings where I will see you, I think it's better that way.

Thanks for all the years of happiness and tears. For all the beers we drunk, and for all the songs we sang. You wont be forgotten, ever. And just incase one day, you will need me, I will still be here.

NOTE: Ooppps this is not about me. This letter is for my 'angel' friend. I made him this letter for I know this is how he feels towards his friend.(Pakelaman ko ba?) hahahaha!

Just another drama

I met up with my ex last night.

You know my ever infamous ex.

I received a text from him that he is in Manila, quite vague of what he was leading to. I told him I had a meeting somewhere near him that day and he invited me to have dinner.

It was odd seeing him at first.

My Gawd, he looked fit and indeed I must say that being away from me -- from each other made him look better, and healthier.

When he initially saw me, he held me tight and there were tears in his eyes. While we were walking and talking, he would stop once in awhile and hug me tight -- his eyes swelling. I thought it was "sissy" at first... but then again, I realized it has been almost a month -- our separation was nasty and I guess having shared memories of almost a year together wont just fade away.

He said, I lost a lot of weight. I said thanks... that was my aim -- for before he would always call me fatty. He said that he's not quite sure if it fits me... he missed the bubbly and rosy cheeks I had.

Going back to Makati where we used to spend a lot of time together brought down memories... and it was the same feeling for him. I had never been back to the place much, since I relocated or even if I will, I make it to a point that I wouldnt pass where we used to walk, talk and quarrel... it was just all too painful for me.

We updated and talked about what happened to us the past few weeks... I told him Ive been busy with work and been seeing friends. He asked me if Im still single -- I replied, yes. I mean, its hard to find someone again, who I am comfortable with -- can fully accept how silly, playful and boisterous I am at times.

We spent a lot of time together... until I said... "Can we pretend that its just like the old times? That we are happy? No hassle and all just in the spirit of fun?" For we used to quarrel a lot because we were both jealous most of the time.

I thought I was okay. That was indeed I was feeling that's why I agreed seeing him again. When we parted ways, there I felt the pain... how can something that makes us happy can be so wrong? Or is it because I just miss being with someone and he was there?

I cried. I know things will never work for us no matter what. We have different wants, and different plans.

Im giving myself a week more to get over this feeling. For I know it will never be us, and we will just have to carry on living our lives separately.

Pseudo - relationships

The "he is your BF, but isnt" stage. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. There could be a verbal agreement, or none. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possibly not. You just let your gestures do the talking. No formal courtship occurred. And you arent couplets. But with your action and words, it seems like you guys are couple, but not quite.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, you dont want to commit with each other at the moment.

It can also happen before a relationship, like testing the waters. Possible that you dont want to have a serious relationship so that's why you are trying things. Could be it's because you guys cant be together --usually the guy -- is involved with another. That's why while you guys are seeing each other, there wont be any relationship at all - so there wont be any guilt feelings, because it's not "YOU" guys.

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Especially when you are looking for a "playmate". But dont expect that it could lead into something serious because there's no assurance that there is.

So why do people settle for this kind of set up, when there's no assurance?

People have different reasons. Could be for fun. Could be for the reason like "better than nothing". Meaning, while the "real thing" hasnt come along, they will just settle for that.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "overwhelming" feeling.

I admit at one point I was in that phase. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization was, "better than nothing".

For me it's more for the "overwhelming" feeling. Someone who will ask me "how was my day?". Some to cuddle and to be sweet with during out of town trips. It's when your mobile "beeps", I will be smiling because I know it's him. While there's no "real" thing yet. This will be okay.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, it's always the woman who is on the losing side.

First, you cannot ask a person to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. You arent his gf anyway.

Second, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Maybe you are assuming that he loves you too. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. It might be shameful on your part. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.
Third, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Another downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, you dont know where you stand in a pseudo-relationship. No attachment. Because in a pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." It's just "you and me," and not "us."

I wish that it will just be pseudo-pain that you will feel. But of course not. It's real pain. And usually, even if a pseudo-relationship ended, you cannot avoid to hope that one day, it will be you and that person. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else. It's hard. You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process. You can actualy try to avoid the pain. And not think of the future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, you have to choose. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

The bottom line is, do what makes you happy. Just prepare yourself with the consequences. Because this kind of relationship isnt the fairytale type. And it usually ends there..... almost, but not quite.

Brown cow

Nung bata pa ako, lagi akong tinutukso na "negra" or "baluga" kasi maitim ako...

Hindi ko alam kung ano at paano nangyari. I was actually born with a fair complexion then eventually became "tan" (yes, im putting it in a nice way) hahahaha!

Nakakainis, I hated it! In a country like Philippines where most people are brown, people with fair complexion are usually more accepted and more liked.

I tried all sorts... from whitening lotion to whitening soaps... lahat na ginawa ko, it didn't work. Kung may pera nga lang talaga magpapa bleach ako eh. I remember my mom would always tell me that people from the West would die to have my brown skin, but I didn't listen. And I was getting big time frustrated.

Just this lately, I have learned to appreciate my own color. I have learned that there are some people dying from skin cancer just to have it. I have learned to live with it, and embrace it...
I am actually more comfortable with it now... I don't really care what other people think.

I just realized that being brown is beautiful!

Saying 'I love you' is easy

I'm a bit annoyed with things... well, I will try not to be affected...

But tell me, can you honestly tell someone that you love him/her after just a series of chats? Alright, after several weeks of chatting. I don't suppose it can be called love straight-away.
I think it's more of "like" than love. Infatuations are for teenagers.

Saying I love you is easy, the truth to the matter is its the most over used, underrated phrase. But proving it otherwise is a different story.

Anyway, after he said that, I don't honestly believe that's how he felt (which I think I'm very much entitled to my own opinion and told him how I feel about things). Now, I'm like the one being accused of not trusting him. And now he doesnt talk to me... Talk about turning the tables! Gawd! I'm beginning to think that SOME men can be really good at it. Or is just me? Am I really that obvious? That I'm vulnerable and some men could think I'm that easy? Well, I'm telling you this now... you are soooo wrong!

I think I'm getting across with wrong men they all know how to emotionally beat me or am I just too nice?... but you know... I've been through crap and this one is no different for me...
I think I have surpassed, or still trying to surpass whatever it is that happened in the past.

I just came from a drama, a soap opera drama -- and I want some rest from it. Not that all I'm looking for is all happiness and good times... I just think I should be spared from this, especially in a getting-to-know-you relationship because I cannot handle it.

If you dont want to talk to me, fine! Just spare me the stress.

Haward!

Grabe first time kong makatanggap nito. Ganito pala ang feeling ...asus! Salamat Turones!

Friendly pala ako ...nyahahaha!

Oh well pinapasa ko ang haward na ito sa mga friendly friends ko na sina:



Abou ng Basta
Madjik ng Magicsaucer
Ever ng Pamatay Homesick
Onatsdonats ng Pakikipagsapalaran ng Tirador ng Kaning Lamig


Thank you all guys for being such a good blogger friend. You guys are awesome!

Hardest things to do...

**Love secretly...

**Realize that the person who helped you to step out of a painful experience only lead you to a more painful one..

**Keep quiet when you have loads of things to say...

**Say no when you means YES and say yes when you mean NO...

**Hold back your emotions...

**Think of a reason why good things never last...

**Leave when you want to stay...

**Laugh when you feel like crying...

**Miss someone who is just around...

Guys? anything you can add up to the list? Feel free to do so...

Kisses and Hugs to you Ron!

Woooooooooowwwwwwwwwww! This is so overwhelming and touching. Ang ganda naman nito Ron...I know pinaghirapan at pinagpuyatan mo ito and I cannot thank you enough!

There's nobody like you my friend. And since ayaw mong magpabayad, I wanted to do something special to thank you and I thought a short poem would be a good way to say so...

You are a person of wit and charm
With tender care, you added comfort and warmth
Your friendship has become a part of my world now
It has its special place, within my being, life and in my heart

Guys and gals, visit the cool blog of this friend of mine here and get a taste of a yummy turon!

Wish List

Dear Somebody up there who likes me,

I’m sick and tired of dating aimlessly. From hereon, can we please work on getting me a serious, loving, and long-term relationship?

I read somewhere that in order to get what you want, you have to know what you want. There’s this list I want to share which I made about how I picture my ideal man.

1. Single (No GF and definitely not married)
2. Taller than me (I’m around 5’2”).
3. Handsome in his own special, unique way.
4. Good sense of timing.
5. Smart.

6. Good sense of humor.
7. Sweet.
8. Knows how to cook.
9. Loyal.
10. Someone who can surprise me.

11. Huggable.
12. Someone who will take care of me and I will feel safe and loved when Im with him.
13. Potential good Lamaze coach.
14. Secure enough to let me keep my maiden name after we’re married.

Hmm...looks like a handful. No wonder I’m confused.
Never mind the list!

In simpler terms, help me find a good man who can make me laugh. The rest is negotiable.

Love,

Toni

P.S. I hope he finds me before I expire. ( Baka magsara na eh) hahahahaha!

...

What's wrong with #2?

Ano nga ba?
Bakit?
Dahil ba 2nd best, 2nd option, runner up, silver lang?
Masakit bang malaman na pangalawa ka lang? Na merong MAS magaling, maganda, matalino, mayaman at PINAKA sa lahat eh may mas nauna na sa iyo...

Nahuli ka ng dating! Kung gusto mo pa ring sumakay. Wala kang choice kundi umupo sa backseat.

May mga taong tanggap at ok lang sa kanilang maging #2. Katwiran nila, mabuti ng #2, kesa #3 or #4. Sila yung tinatawag na martir! Kahit alam na nila ang sitwasyon, they still settle for it. Kahit pa madaming bawal. Bawal mag-demand, bawal magselos, may schedule ang date, pati na ang calling at texting may oras at dapat maingat. Sila yung tanggap lang ng tanggap kung anong kayang ibigay ng taong mahal nila. No questions asked.

They think that it's the same level of pain anyway. Having the person they love or not having 'em at all.
Nakakawala ng respeto sa sarili you might say but can we blame 'em? I actually do admire those people because it only shows that they have so much love to offer. They can love unselfishly and not ask much in return.

Bakit ko alam? For one, I had experienced it (kaya naman pala) hahaha! But seriously may mga kaibigan din ako who had experienced the same thing. Bittersweet yes, but it was worth it.

I know it ain't right pero hangga't may mga taong hindi faithful at mga taong nagpapaka martir or shall I say settling to be just the 2nd choice, there'd always be #2.

If you are or would be on that situation, ask yourself first...

Is he or she worth the pain and risk?

"Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng isang tao,

lalo na kung hindi ikaw ang yung bida sa script na pinili nya..."

Bangag

Ganyan ako nitong mga nakaraang araw.
Naglalakad ng nakalutang ang isip.
Wala sa sarili.
Blangko ang utak.

Wala naman akong tinirang gamot. Panggabi kasi ako at nagti-train sa bago kong trabaho. Ang hirap palang mag-adjust. Hindi ko ma-absorb at ma-digest yung sinasabi ng trainor. Minsan nakaidlip ako eh bawal na bawal yun. Nahuli ako ng matabang masungit na trainor, pinag-initan na ako at lagi na akong tinatawag pag may recitations. Buti na lang meron pa ako nung tinatawag nilang 'common sense' at yun ang gumagana pag natatawag ako. Mabilis ding umiikot ang mata ko sa mga mababait kong co-trainees at naisesenyas nila sakin ang sagot at thank God marunong din akong mag 'lip read'. Naiintindihan ko ang mga sinasabi nila kahit walang boses na lumalabas sa kanilang mga bibig. Minus big points kasi sa assesment pag di ka nakasagot.

Sabi nila sanayan lang daw. Pero ewan ko, hirap na hirap ako. Hindi rin tumatalab sakin yung mga energy drink. Pag uminom ako, ang epekto pag uwian na saka ako gising na gising at hyper. At syempre pa mahihirapan na akong makatulog. Dagdagan pa ng mga taong isip ng isip sakin (feeling ...nyahahaha) , kaya ayan ang kinalabasan, kulang sa tulog, wala sa ayos!

Sabi ng isang kaibigan, samahan nya daw ako sa clinic at magpareseta ng 'sleeping pills'. Sagot ko, pag ganitong 'heartbroken' ako eh baka tirahin ko lahat at gustuhin ng di magising. Natakot ata at gatas na lang daw inumin ko. At syempre pa meron ding nagpayo na magbilang daw ako ng walang kamatayang mga tupa. Hindi rin epektib.

Ewan ko. Okey lang sigurong gising at kulang sa tulog, maglakad ng parang laging may tama, lumulutang ang isip kahit pa wala sa ayos...
Kasi darating ang panahon na wala na tayong gagawin kundi forever matulog...

Tingin niyo?

Putting up a wall or jumping in?

Pagkatapos ng pagkarami- rami mong experiences sa pag-ibig, naging maganda man o hindi, bigo man o naging winner ka, I know you have asked yourself firsthand whether to put up a wall or take a chance on it.

Ano ba talaga ang dapat?

Siguro sa mga taong paulit-ulit na nabibigo at nasasaktan, sila yung mga taong takot na. Sila ang naglalagay ng 'wall'. Sila ang mga taong naging manhid, dense, bato at nagkaroon ng sobra sobrang fears. Sila yung mga taong sinasara na ang mga puso at dedma na ang emosyon. At kung meron mang natitira pang kahit konting emosyon o pagtingin eh pilit tinatago at pinipigilan bago pa maging malalim. Hindi ko sila masisi. Sino ba ang gustong makaranas ng madalas na failed relationships, ng paulit-ulit na rejections??

Pero hindi naman lahat eh ganyan, there are people who take things positively. Kahit na yung hindi masyadong magandang pangyayari sa buhay nila eh hahanapan at hahanapan pa rin ng dahilan ng magandang rason kung bakit hindi naging maganda ang ending.
Pains and heartaches made these people strong. And these people also think that they have already learned and the next time they would fall, they'd know what to do...

Oh well, that's what I thought. Kabilang ako sa mga taong yun. Kala ko, I already know better. Kala ko, I've already learned what buttons to push. Hindi pala ganun kadali yun lalo na pag andun ka na sa sitwasyon. Magbabago at magbabago ang views mo. Kahit anong intindi mo sa tama, pinipili mo pa ring maging mali!

Again, I have proof that I just need to quit jumping. I have many reasons to stay afraid of getting hurt because I jumped and now I am crying about it!

Paano ko ba mababago to? May formula ba? May scientific calculation ba?

Sabi nila, it’s as much about the journey as it is the destination. Alam ko naman yun, but the thing that scares me is that there is no real destination for me.
Meron kaya?

Sometimes when someone ask us to stay, we feel important.But then at the back of our mind, we ask ourselves...Are we wanted or just needed?

Suko na.

Lakas ng ulan, lakas ng hangin, kinakalabog ang bintana namin. Parang di titigil at matatagalan pa bago sumikat ang araw. Pag ganitong mga panahon ang sarap matulog, sarap magmuni muni lang sa bahay, magbasa ng magazines,books, o kaya mag dvdiathon.
Pero bakit iba ang gusto kong gawin? Gusto ko lang umiyak ng umiyak. Ibuhos lahat ng sama ng loob at sakit sa dibdib kasabay ng ulan. Mas maganda siguro kung lalabas ako at magtatampisaw sa ulan kasabay ng aking pag-iyak para walang makakita sa aking pagdadalamhati.
Pero bakit nga ba ako iiyak? Akala ko ba kaya ko? Sabi ko pipilitin kong kayanin.
Madaling sabihin. Mahirap gawin
Ginawa ko lang naman ang nararapat, ang sinasabi nilang tama. Sinunod ko na ang isip ko. Pero bakit ang sakit sakit? Bakit parang gusto kong bawiin lahat ng sinabi ko? Parang ok lang kahit sabihan niyo akong tanga. Ok lang basta't andyan uli sya.

Sana may gamot para dito, yung isang inuman lang, wala akong pakelam kung kapsula man o tableta basta yung makakatulog ka at paggising mo wala na lahat ang sakit.

Nakakapagod. Nakakasawa. Ayoko na. Hindi na lang ulit.